Objects in Mirror are Not as They Appear

We all have those moments- you know the ones- when we look back on a realtionship we never thought we would get over, or a circumstance that seemed insurmountable, and laugh at yourself for being that silly and wasting so much energy. It's the final stage in getting over pain: thinking you were ridiculous. And yet, there's the sad part. What you thought was something, when you pull the blinders off, turns out to have been nothing at all. And you feel a little like you've been duped. Suddenly, Prince Charming isn't so charming when you're not blinded by infatuation. And that financial deadline that you were sweating to meet passes without incident. And that illness you were struggling to overcome fades into distant memory. And you're left with tthe one thing that matters: A lesson learned. This is what moves you from one rung of the ladder to the next. This is what teaches you to be wiser next time, a little less stressed, a little more watchful, a little more grown-up. And one day, after the lessons have been learned and a certain level of humility reached, comes Celestial glory.

The Vagaries of the Good Life

As much as my religious preference would make you think otherwise, I love the single life. It's true that I don't always intend to stay this way, but while I am single, it's fun. There's noones problems or schedules to deal with but my own, I can go to bed as early or as late as I want, and I can eat my dessert first. But there are times, two I can think of, when being single isn't all it's cracked up to be.
The first is when you're sitting in a cold, desperatley sterilized doctor's office with nothing but frightening questions on your mind. This is facing me right now as my doctor and I try to find out if I will be facing my sencond surgery in the past six months. It's in times of uncertainty like this, when you're weak and frightened, that the idea of having a family to love and support you sounds like heaven, and it far outweighs the ability to go buy yourself a new pair of shoes on a whim.
It has become clear to me that God has created us to need one another. And this isn't springing from some sort of weird codependence on my part. I guess the whole "neither is the man without the woman or the woman without the man" thing is ringing true to me. Not that I intend to rush out and get married. I think there is stil alot of time that will pass before I'm ready for something like that. But there are moments...
To celebrate my independance, and to prove to myslef that I could handle it, I tackled the other bane of a single person's existance: The sit-down restaurant. It is patently uncomfortable to go to a restaraunt by yourself. You can still accomplish this bit of splurging if you do something creative, like bring friend, a book, or a project. But I was going to be brave. I came with nothing but what I could fit in my coat pocket, marched bravely to one of my favorite restaurants, and was promptly seated in a back corner where other people wouldn't have to feel sorry for me. I was doing good until about ten minutes into it, after I had thoroughly read the entire menu, and my waitress had taken my order. I stared at the wall for a while, until my vision started getting a little blurry from looking at one spot for too long. Admitting defeat, I felt in my coat pocket and was relieved to find I had remembered my cell phone.

Those Who Have Gone Before

My grandmother wasn't Fundamentalist. She wasn't even LDS. But she knew the value of knowing your family history. I would sit in her lap and she would tell me stories of my ancestors. From her mom and dad, to ancient, mist-shrouded European kings, she would tell me where I came from.
One day, in just such an interview, Grandma looked at me and said, "Someday you will meet them, these ancestors of yours, and you will have to tell them how you lived your life. Live in a way that will make them proud. And always be proud of them. You have a wonderful, unique heritage, and it belongs to only you."
After I grew up and joined the LDS church, I was depressed to find that, despite copious amounts of research, I was not at all descended from Pioneers. I had wanted that ancestry inthe Church, but I didn't have it. I was the first in all of my bloodline to have ever come to a knowledge of the Gospel. And at the time, that bothered me. It took me a while to realize what a wonderful position that was.
So I researched, and delved even furhter into the fairy stories my grandmother told me, only to find that the characters form her stories were really people who lived once. And as I studied, I not only found their names, but their histories as well. I had a new sense of pride in these ancestors of mine. Maybe they didn't cross the plains with Brigham Young, but they had their own struggles to overcome, and they did in miraculous ways.
And now, I'm in the work. I have a mountain of Family History work that I have to accomplish- well over 1000 names- and yet, they are still not a burden to me. If anything, their stories inspire and lift me. To know that their blood is running through my veins makes me want to live worthy of it. And for their presence in my life, I am more than willing to find them, know their stories, and spend my free time doing all that I can to one day be able to make my gramdmother's admonision come true and see them face to face.

Life is Easy, Love is Hard

I have a love of the band U2 that somewhat embarrasses me. When I was a freshman in college the Elevation tour came out, based ont heir CD, "All That You Can't Leave Behind", and that's when my love of the band was born. The song that really did it for me, "Walk On", has become one of the theme songs of my life. In that song, the very first line hits me every time: "Love is not the easy thing".
People often say that life is hard, and it's true that there are many difficult and painful things that come up, but all that is truly required of us to live life is to trust God. He has promised to lead and guide us. He is our Shepherd and will make sure that our needs are met. Where much begins to be required of us is in the area of love. We are required to love one another as Christ loves us! Let's think about His love for a moment.
Christ never showed an aversion to society's outcasts. Tax collectors and lepers were all the same to Him. He ate with the unclean, and He loved the hopeless, offereing them something their souils craved.
Christ loved sinners. To the woman caught in adultery, He said "Where are those thine accusers?" And though He was the only one there without sin, He didn't condemn her. "Go and sin no more," He said, and gave her hope for a better life. Mary Magdalene, out of whom Christ cast out demons, loved Him so much because of His love for her, that she followed Him and His disciples for the rest of Christ's life on Earth. And He loved her so much that she was the first person He appeared to after His death.
Christ took care of those in need. From feeding 5000 people, to restoring a widow's son, He saw the needs of the people around Him and He was compassionate. Even in the case of the 5000, some were not there out of a desire to follow Him. Some were there chasing the latest trend, or even trying to gather negative information about Him. He knew that, and yet, all were fed, all were cared for, all were loved.
Christ loved his friends. He wept at the tomb of Lazarus, not because Lazarus was dead, for he would soon be alive again, but because of the grief of Mary and Martha. The fac thta tthey were devastated broke His heart.
Christ forgave everyone, even those who were not seeking His forgiveness. The prime example of this is His prayer for the forgiveness of those who were mocking Him even as He hung on the cross.
And I fall short of this. I sometimes avoid those I consider undesireable. It is easier for me to pass judgement on a sinner than to show love. I am sometimes too selfish to even see the needs of others, even my own friends. At times I harbour unforgiveness in my heart.
And changing isn't easy. Our minds are programmed to act and think and feel a certain way, and they need to be reprogrammed. The problem with that is, we are often too far gone to even recognise our need. I know I often am. The solution is found only in the mercy of God. He finds us where we are, and moves us closer to Himself by changing who we are. Sometimes in a quick, miraculous way, and sometimes in a way that is so slow and gradual tthat we don't even see it in ourselves until someone points it out to us.
Then we can look back and realize, "That's right, I don't think abou tmyslef as much." or "I do spend more time helping others than I did." or "I really have had a softer heart toward my family recently." And this is a true miracle.

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring
Love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind...

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Oh, oh
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly, for freedom

Oh, oh
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart, it breaks
You can only take so much

Walk on...
Walk on...

Home...
Hard to know what it is, if you never had one
Home...
I can't say where it is, but I know I'm going
Home...
That's where the hurt is...

And I know it aches
And your heart, it breaks
And you can only take so much

Walk on...

Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel

All this you can leave behind

All that you reason, (it's only time)
(Love is a feeling on my mind)
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress-up
All that you've seen
All you create
All that you wreck
All that you hate

All this you can leave behind

I'm feeling really reflective tonight. It's conference weekend, and alot has happened. There was the Priesthood ball. It was a really unique experience for me, being a convert. I went up on stage and stood in a corner above all of the dizzily turning, dancing heads and just watched. Those people out there, they were my people. And there was so far left to go. In my life specifically, and for all of us together. One day, I would be one of these older women, circling the floor with her husband in an elegant waltz. One day, I would be one of these mothers, worried about how late I'm staying out, and if the children are OK. One day, I would be one of these sister-wives, filled with so many different thoughts and feelings that I can only imagine right now. But for now, right now, I was standing right where God wanted me.
Thinking of the future made me think of the past as well. Even in the short time that I had been in the work, I had felt incredibly hurt by a couple of situations involving families who were living poor examples of the principle of Celestial Plural Marriage. There are times when there is nothing celestial about Polygamy, and those are the times when God is left out of the picture. I had not only seen that, but had harboured a little resentement in my heart because of one especially painful situation. And I knew, in my soul, that the resentment was coming between me and God.
Today was the Saturday session of Conference. The message that hit my soul with such clarity was this same subject of bitterness. A verse came to mind from Hebrews: "Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many are defiled." There was danger in my current course of action, and I knew with such clarity that it had to stopped. I prayed there in my seat for forgiveness, and started formultaing my plans of how to fix the situation.
I thought of where the relationship that had caused me such pain started from. They were once such good friends of mine. The best. I loved them and their family completely. In a way I still did love them, and perhaps that's why it hurt so much. But a rift had come. A huge, crushing rift that I know was devastating for all of us. And now, after everything. I think it's actully too late to fix it. I could forgive them, as Christ prescribes, and they could forgive me as well, but something was gone forever. This was a bitter pill for me to swallow. It's too late. Between the group of us, enough bitterness had indeed sprung up to defile many. We had all failed of the grace of God by not turning to Him. We can easily be forgiven because of the Atonement of Christ, but the scars will always be there.
And yet, I'm thankful for all of this in a way. I have learned some valuable things this Conference. And the fact that the messages of the Council have inspired me so much to improve my life is a testimony to the truthfullness of the Fullness of the Gospel. It never ceases to amaze me how much the pure truth of the Gospel has a power to change us when we are least expecting it.

Adventures in ZCMI Center

"Hey there, I wanted to ask your advice," I said to my friend on the phone. "I'm buying a dress for the dance, and I needed to know what to look for." My current formal just didn't quite meet the groups standards. It was a hold-out from my single's ward days.
"Just be sure it's modest that's the most important thing. It needs to be to the ankle and at least to the elbow, with a high enough neckline. To the wrist would be nice."
"OK, well I'm in Salt Lkae City, Mormon capital of the world, so I shouldn't have too much trouble finding a modest formal, right?"
"Ummm, sure, Good luck with that. Let me know how it goes."
"Alright, I feel good about this." And I headed off to the local mall
...I entered the dress shop and looked around. After a short galnce, I decided I would just have to look harder. I walked around the entire store and then began to feel discouraged for the first time. Nothing in the whole store had sleeves. Most things didn't even have spaghetti straps. All of a sudden, a very helpful saleswoman descended on me. "What are you looking for, ma'am?"
"I was looking for a dress for a ball I'm going to, but I needed it to have sleeves."
"I can put sleaves on any of the dresses if you'd like, ma'am."
"Yes, but could you do it tonight?"
"Well no...I know, if you find something here, you can just go next door to Macey's and get a Bolero or a wrap for it in no time."
I thought it sounded like it was worth a shot. And I found the perfect spaghetti strapped ball gown. Perfect, that is, after I had the woman tailor the straps to make the neckline higher. And so, feeling good about shopping again, I went to Macey's. An hour later, I was on the phone with another friend in the group. "Umm, I've been at Macey's for two hours, I've got three sales people looking and I've been to three different floors two different times. I think I'm the only woman in Utah who wants to cover her arms. Is it OK if what I have over the top is sheer?"
"Well, it depends how sheer, but you should be OK."
"Alright thanks."
I was looking at what the saleswoman was holding out to me and, despite my friend's assurances, I knew I wouldn't be quite comfortable in that. So, it was on to the next store. And the next. And then across the street to another mall. Then two more stores, with time quickly running out on the evening.
And there, in the last store, was the perfect satin wrap to match the dress. Finally. It was the last opaque one of any color in the store. I caught a quick dinner in the food court and relfected on the difficulty of finding something modest in downtown Salt Lake City, of all places.
In a way, I was greatful for the standards of the priesthood that were there to protect me from within as well as from without. I had always been an advocate for individual expression and freedom to act, think, and even dress according to the dictates of one's own conscience. And yet, it sometimes seems that society is moving ahead a little too fast for me sometimes.
I caught the bus to go home, and sat across the aisle from a kind older woman.
"That's a beautiful dress," she said. " I'm glad to see you bought that wrap to keep it modest, as well."
I smiled and thanked her, and felt a little better about society on my way home.

In Praise

I've discovered something a little depressing about myself: I almost always focus on what's going wrong instead of what's going right. I can spend large amounts of time focused in on the one or two stressful things in my life, and never stop to think of all the blessings I have.
I have a great job. Yes, there's sometimes some interesting interpersonal challenges, but Those have really taught me alot and I've really enjoyed it. My job is challenging and I've learned about all kinds of new things, and I've gained some really marketable skills for the future. Plus, it provides me with enough money to meet my needs, and have some left over to help others with, or even just spend a night out on the town once in a while.
I found a great house with a wonderful roommate. I love the location, and the fact that I can decorate any way I want. It has great furniture and it's in great surroundings. My roommate and I have taken huge pride in decorating it, and people always comment on how beautiful it is. It makes us proud.
I have a college education. It has taught me so many things, not just about the things I learned in class, but about life. I'm also greatful to be done with it now and ready to begin life.
Most importantly, I have a set of friends who are like family to me. I credit this to coming into the group in a big way. I have connected with people since I've been in this group in a way I'd never been able to connect before. I can call them "Brother" or "Sister" with all my heart. They have enriched my life so much that I hesitate to try to describe it here. I'll just say that they have been so dependable and faithful. It's been a miracle on it's own.
My point is this: None of this was possible for me in my own power. My relationship with God is what has provided me with a willingness to stick to what His will is for my life. He has made me someone who can be a friend to others. He has made me into someone who can truly appreciate the beauty of my surroundings, and the beauty of the people around me. All that is good in my life has been a gift directly from His hands. And the greatest gift of all, after the Atonement, has been the miraculous way He has led me to the work. It has enlarged my soul in a way I never thought possible.
And my prayer for my own life, and for everyone else with this focus problem, is that we will always remember how blessed we truly are.

Be Thou my vision, Oh Lord of my heart,
Naught be all else to me save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

More on Warren Jeffs

I need to apologise to the FLDS. I came off a little strong on the issue with Warren Jeffs in my first post. Here's what I mean as far as his situation goes: If he really has tried to force underage girls to marry against heir will, and if he really has committed the frauds that he is accused of, and if he really has split up families like they say, then he does need to go to jail. But I don't have enough information to judge for sure. Hopefully, the jury in Southern Utah will be given enough information to really make that judgement and they will be guided in righteousness. History is always told by the victors, but I hope that the decisions reached will be fair and right for all involved.
My heart goes out to the people in the FLDS. I would be heartbroken if charges I felt were unfair were leveled against the man I believe to be Prophet, and if I were a mother in that organization, I would be terrified at the possibility of loosing my husband and even my children. Just not knowing must be terrifying for them. They are of stronger faith than many of us could ever hope to be. I only wish there was something I could do to help. But my prayers are with them, and with my community and Prophet as well, that what is right will be done and God will giude us all.

Feeding Our Souls

I had a chance last Sunday to speak to a memeber of the LDS Church who knew about my religious background. In the end of our conversation, he asked me how I could leave the Church after having received a testimony of it. And so, I set about trying to explain what Ihave a hard time fully grasping myself.
When I firststarted studying the Bible in earnest, the power that the scriptures posessed began to change my life. And from that point on, I felt a sense of loss, barely explainable, when I missed reading my scriptures. But when I picked up the Bible again, I would feel like I was fed. Amazingly enough to me at the time, I felt the same thing when I picked up a Book of Mormon. And, in the end, there were two things that made me sure that I was winding up in the right place. The first was when I came to a sacrament meeting in the group and watched the priesthood pass the Sacrament. I felt like I was starving and never knew it until that moment. I knew my soul needed this. And then, I had an interaction with the man I believe to be the Prophet. Again, I felt like I had come home to where I had always belonged. After meetings I still go up to him and just shake his hand without saying anything. And he never looks at me weird. I'd look at me weird.
There's an analogy that helps me explain this. I have a friend who invited me to eat a meal at her house. When she passed me the salt shaker, I saw this strange stuff with little brown flecks in it and wrinkled my nose at her. Then she said, "It's RealSalt. Try some." So I did. It was wonderful. I had never tasted anything like it and I finally told my friend I didn't even know how to explain why it was so good. As I reached for the shaker to finish salting my meal, she said, "I know. It tastes like something you've been needing."
That's what the work is. It tastes like something you've been needing. My soul responds to it and wants more. And that's my testimony; that's how I know it's true. I know this work is true on a level I have never known anything before. And it keeps my soul alive.

More Holiness Give me

My biggest fear as I look at life ahead of me in the work isn't what people on the outside would think, but many of my friends understand it completely. I'm not afraid that I'll wind up in a loveless marriage or be forced to have more children than I could ever hope to want. My biggest fear is that I won't make it. I look at myself and my own weaknesses that really shine through at some points. My fear is that I may not be capable of enduring to the end. A song by a Christian band I really love puts it like this:

If I was not so weak,
If I was not so cold,
If I was not so scared of being broken, growing old,
I would be frail.

And yet, in the height of this feeling, I was at the home of a friend who is an excellent mother and wife and sister wife, and everything else, and I said, "I don't know if I could do what you do." And she looked at me, smioled, and said "Idon't know if I can do what I do." Besides ginving me a great deal of hope, this answer brought some questions to my mind. What is it? What makes any of us who are such fallible human creatures capable of reaching Celestial Glory? The Atonement, of course. I know, it's the knee-jerk answer, but let me try to explain this. The Atonement covered our sins and made us sinless before God. But it does more than that. Christ didn't limit His atonement to just covering our sins. It also carries us through life. We may be frail, but the One fighting our battles is strong enough to win them all. And this is our hope, and strength.

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
But sometimes I wonder what he
Can do through me
No great success to show
No glory of my own
But in my weaknes, he is there
To let me know
His strength is perfect when our strength is gone
He carries us when we can't carry on
Braced in His power, the weak become strong
His strength is perfect
His strength is perfect

Tis Better to Have Loved and Lost...

When I was learning to be a counsellor, we learned that bitterness and dissatisfaction with life come from one of two sources: Not having something in life that you thought you deserved, or Loosing something you had that was dear to you. I've lost something that was dear to me recently, and had the opportunity of more taken away. How does someone cope with this? How do you move past that pain? Knowing this: That the very fact that you have loved so much, hoped so much, and tried so hard is what will make the future liveable again.
Nothing lasts forever on this earth, and so loss is a natural part of life here. It is so much better to suffer the pain, than to be a person who never loves, and here's why: One day, those we love will be restored to us. Nothing is forever on this earth, but love is forever in eternity. Those who never suffer from loss on this earth have no love and have an incredibly lonely future ahead of them. And for those of us who suffer now, the difficulties that could not be overcome in this life will all be washed away one day, and all that will remain is love. Remember the promise of Scriptures, "He [the Lord] shall dry every tear from their eyes."

My Life (or whatever it is)

Well, I figured my new readers may need a little more info on me, so here goes, in my typical, no-holds-barred, painfully honest way.
I haven't always been a Mormon Fundamentalist. I haven't even always been a Mormon, or Latter-Day Saint, or whatever you want to call it. I was baptized in the LDS Church when I was 18. Before that I was raised in an Atheist home, but always had a sense of there being more than that. Little did I know where that yearning would lead me. Several years later, I've graduated from college as a Certified Marriage and Family Therapist, I have a great job (not actualy in that field), and I'm a Mormon Fundamentalist. I'm not married, so officially, I'm not a polygamist, but I hope to be one some day.
Here I'll tell you everything. My loves, losses, gains, and the lessons I learn along the way. There will be stories of pain, but mostly of joy, and of growth. I hope to somehow reach the people who see this, not that they will join my religion, but that they will understand me and my people who I love so much. And maybe, one day, the people who see us as enemies will see us as friends.

Why this Blog?

Warren Jeffs was just arrested. That brought up alot of thoughts and feelings for me. I have never met or had anything to do with Warren Jeffs, but I remember how I flet when I was researching polygamy for the first time and came across information about him. I was in college, working on my Counselling degree, which I have since finished. I remember being appalled by the idea of under-age girls being forced into marraiges, and men being randomly excommunicated and their families being reassigned to other men. "How can you just tell a child that his dad is someone else now?" I screamed in my mind. I printed out his wanted poster and pinned it up on the bulletin board in my dorm. I wanted him caught.
Now, I feel just a little differently. Not much, but a little.
I'm glad to have him off the streets, but I see more of the situation now that I'm involved in Fundamentalism. I'm not in the Jeffs group, and I don't personally believe that Jeffs is a prophet, but I wonder how this development will affect the FLDS group, and how it will affect my friends and family. My blood ran cold when I heard that Harry Reid had called for a task force to begin to investigate polygamy in the West. Warren Jeffs needed to be stopped, but what will happen next? Will my children, who have yet to be born, have to live in fear of having their father pu tin jail, or of mob violence? Are we approaching again the days like the ones Joseph Smith and the early saints lived in? What will the choice to live as we believe God has commanded cost us? Is the trouble the FLDS is facing only the beginning of trouble for us all?
This is the fear we live in. And this is the reason for this blog. Maybe I'm idealistic, but I believe that if I tell you about me, if I make myself a real person to you, you will be willin gto stand up for me and my future family at some point. Maybe I can make you understand that I am not controlled or forced into anything. Maybe I can make you see the light the fullness of the gospel brings into my life. Maybe we can come to understand and even care for each other. That's my goal.