I'm feeling really reflective tonight. It's conference weekend, and alot has happened. There was the Priesthood ball. It was a really unique experience for me, being a convert. I went up on stage and stood in a corner above all of the dizzily turning, dancing heads and just watched. Those people out there, they were my people. And there was so far left to go. In my life specifically, and for all of us together. One day, I would be one of these older women, circling the floor with her husband in an elegant waltz. One day, I would be one of these mothers, worried about how late I'm staying out, and if the children are OK. One day, I would be one of these sister-wives, filled with so many different thoughts and feelings that I can only imagine right now. But for now, right now, I was standing right where God wanted me.
Thinking of the future made me think of the past as well. Even in the short time that I had been in the work, I had felt incredibly hurt by a couple of situations involving families who were living poor examples of the principle of Celestial Plural Marriage. There are times when there is nothing celestial about Polygamy, and those are the times when God is left out of the picture. I had not only seen that, but had harboured a little resentement in my heart because of one especially painful situation. And I knew, in my soul, that the resentment was coming between me and God.
Today was the Saturday session of Conference. The message that hit my soul with such clarity was this same subject of bitterness. A verse came to mind from Hebrews: "Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many are defiled." There was danger in my current course of action, and I knew with such clarity that it had to stopped. I prayed there in my seat for forgiveness, and started formultaing my plans of how to fix the situation.
I thought of where the relationship that had caused me such pain started from. They were once such good friends of mine. The best. I loved them and their family completely. In a way I still did love them, and perhaps that's why it hurt so much. But a rift had come. A huge, crushing rift that I know was devastating for all of us. And now, after everything. I think it's actully too late to fix it. I could forgive them, as Christ prescribes, and they could forgive me as well, but something was gone forever. This was a bitter pill for me to swallow. It's too late. Between the group of us, enough bitterness had indeed sprung up to defile many. We had all failed of the grace of God by not turning to Him. We can easily be forgiven because of the Atonement of Christ, but the scars will always be there.
And yet, I'm thankful for all of this in a way. I have learned some valuable things this Conference. And the fact that the messages of the Council have inspired me so much to improve my life is a testimony to the truthfullness of the Fullness of the Gospel. It never ceases to amaze me how much the pure truth of the Gospel has a power to change us when we are least expecting it.